Last night I have a complete and utter breakdown. The kind that you really don't know what to do with yourself. You want to scream, cry it out, hide, get over it, talk to someone, disapeer. I am going through a moment, a depressing and sad moment. It could be a mixture of school stress, friend and guy drama, a sinus infection, and then fact that I was biligerently drunk for the past four nights minus last night. I just want to go back to my family where I can more sane again.
During my little nervous breakdown I was in search of someone that really knew me. I wandered on over to my friends house. His name is Tyler. He has known me for five years now and knew me way before college ever happend. He was the person so go to, and it doesn't hurt that he is a Psychology major. I told him that I am horribly depressed, do not feel like eating, feel horribly shitty about myself. I concluded through talking to him that I should seek professional counseling.
Also, him and I live in Door County in the summers. The past summe was a wreck on both of us. We drank all the time. We have made plans to exercise together instead of drinking. I look forward to seeing everything Door County has to offer. Who knows, maybe it could bring Tyler and I closer together?
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Monday, May 7, 2007
Final Draft Short Story
A Snippet
Bloody fuck! Can’t anyone walk normally anymore? It seems as though everyone is mashed on some sort of disorienting drug and cannot walk a straight line! Where can I find some?
Okay I just need to relax. Breathe in, breath out.
That seems about right. It is not that I feel the world revolves around me, just that we need to be a little more considerate of what the hell is going on. When did we not start saying, “Excuse me, pardon me, oh I am very sorry, thank you…”?
Silly me, hello there, my name is Brooke Anne Gauthier. How do you do? I have decided to start this off, a little different. I am going to let you know more about me, and hopefully we can reach some sort of understanding. This journey is not going to be pretty, or even clear-cut for that matter. So if you could just bear with me, it should be rather amusing.
Where should I begin? Oh, I know, alright. So I was sitting there, sipping some warm mocha, reading the newspaper. All of a sudden, straight out of a GQ magazine sits this gorgeous man by the table directly across from me. I got a little edgy as I switched my right crossed leg with the other. He was directly in tune with his literature so I helped myself to a further glance. How I love a man that can dress himself. His khakis were clean and wrinkle free, his shoes I presumed matched his belt. His hair, I couldn't help but imagine my hands running through. Holy hell! What am I doing? I have a partner….but my thoughts swiftly changed as my eyes peered over to this “mocha man” of my dreams. He has to be gay! That’s it. No man could look so good and dress just as well and not be straight. No matter the case he will be straight in my mind. I should leave, I am getting myself where over my head. As I casually stood up and gathered my belongings I could feel his eyes checking me out. So I walked a little smoother, flipped my hair back, and looked a little busy.
Farther down the block I let out a sigh and wished such a man could be mine. Don’t get me wrong I love the man that I am with, maybe not love, but I care for him much. We have alright conversation, love to cuddle, and talk about the future. Now that I think about it, it seems rather dry, but doable.
My lunch break was almost over and I headed towards the office. Assistant of the Head of the Creative Department, yes that would be me. It is a pretty shitty sort of job but it works and I have to face that it could be worse. Sometimes I think I would be happier walking down the streets of England in a pineapple mascot suit with a sign that read,
“Shoot me and get lunch half off!” Okay, I apologize, that was a bit rude, but the God honest truth. Being the assistant of somebody is like being there personal nanny, ass-
wiper, ass-kisser, and you get the picture. Someday it will all pay off and I can have an assistant. As soon as I enter the office I hear a barking command from Jacob, The Head.
“Brooke! Can you please get Perrti in my office and bring the first drafts of the ads for the Mitchell’s order. Jacob is going to shit a brick if we don’t deliver something better than yesterday’s horseshit!”
Jacob, yeah he is a dandy character. He only has one other boss above him, so he can basically do whatever the hell he wants. Nothing is perfect, but that’s business. Oh and the Mitchell’s dealio, it is a company that is trying to sell a new type of fuel for vehicles and it is up to us to make a design concept that will get every Joe and Flo to buy it. Like I said, I’d rather be in that pineapple suit.
Now let’s fast forward to that evening.
I arrive home, tired as hell and wanting only one thing, sleep. My boyfriend, Liam lives with me. It was a very mutual and thought out process. Of course, my parents do not know, they would be livid. After the noise from my dropped keys in the dish subsided, the apartment was abnormally silent. Perhaps Liam stepped out. A bubble bath enters my mind, as I imagine my body heavenly dipping underneath the bubbles. I push open my bedroom door, and there he is. Something isn’t right. He looks frazzled and flushed.
“What the hell is going on Liam?”
“Um, what do you mean Brooke?” he looks around the room.
“Well, what are you up to, you don’t seem right?”
He walks up to me, sweating like a whore in church.
“Brooke, you’ve been working really hard lately.”
As he says this he brings me in the bathroom.
“Liam, a bubble bath! You read my mind, honestly!”
I turned to look at him, and kiss him to death. Then Mocha Man’s face takes over Liam’s. For an instant I felt an overwhelming guilt. Liam is a great man, sure our relationship seems at a standstill, but, when it’s good, it couldn’t be better. I enter the bath. I am left in complete solitude and told that if I needed anything at all…
This is supposed to be a time of relaxation, but my mind wanders to thoughts of my family; that is a story within itself. Everyone in my family talks about when I will marry. The pressure is on and I am starting to run out of excuses for not attending family functions of which I will be put in the most awkward position while they talk about me like I am not even there. Okay, breathe!
“Brooke is a wonderful catch.”
“I cannot believe she hasn’t found a nice man with a nice job yet.”
“She won’t be young forever; it’s time to start a family.”
That is about the time I zone out and take a few more longs swigs from my wine glass. As if I could drink the comments down. They don’t understand the life of a working woman today. You do not have to time to put on a selection process for the right man.
Most of the women in my family ended up marrying out of school and popping out children to make their lives more interesting.
It’s a Friday night, I realize. I used to go out and give the town hell and now I just look forward to a good night’s rest. That is exactly what I did, peacefully and contently next to Liam.
Weekends are for catching up on the personal tasks I cannot do during the week. I wake up, and mentally put together my list of things to be done. I am in the process of revamping my apartment, so I decide the first place to go is an interior décor store. Upon entering the store, I see this ravishing throw blanket. As I pulled it off the shelf, I turned around in a hasty manner, and bumped into someone. Without looking I said,
“Sorry, excuse me.” And then I looked up. It was him, my mocha man from the café I had seen yesterday. What are the bloody odds of this?
“No worries, my fault. Hey didn’t I see you yesterday afternoon? How could I forget, you were wearing that crème yellow suit, with your hair up,” my mocha man said with the sultriest of smiles.
Somebody pinch me, quick. This cannot be fucking happening. Seize the moment silly woman.
“Oh yes of course, I remember.” I said with a smile back.
“Name’s Nigel,” he says as he lifts my hand to his face to kiss.
“Brooke Ann.”
“What are your plans tonight,” he asks without a single blink or hesitation.
I look away quickly, thinking of Liam.
“It’s okay if you are busy; I have this social event to attend and would love a foxy lady like yourself to accompany me. I mean no harm, just want to give you my number so if you change your mind, give me a jingle.”
I am completely and most utterly in a state of shock and denial. He hands me his number, I smile at him and he is off.
I stand there like a wanker with that throw blanket still in my hand. I look to my left and to my right without turning my head. I let out the biggest sigh when he is out of sight. A taste of mocha is in the back of my throat, that could not have just fucking happened.
I decide to take Nigel up on such an invite. Once I get home, I realize that Liam isn’t home. After dolling myself up, and putting on “The Shoes” I write a quick note to Liam stating, “Girls night out!! Be back late. I cannot thank you enough for the bubble bath.” After gathering some things in my purse, I open the apartment door to leave and Liam just happened to be standing there with his keys in his hand coming into the apartment. I freeze.
“Shit, shit, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck!” runs through my head.
He is oblivious to the fact that I am dressed up from heel to hair.
“Sweetheart,” he says, “let’s go we haven’t been out on the town in a while. I have a party all lined up for us!” In his excited splendor he grabs my hand and we are off.
“Fabulous, I am more ready than ever!” I am such a dirty liar.
We leave. I feel half annoyed and half relieved. Although once we get to the party, all thoughts of Nigel leave my head only to come back a second later. There we all were standing, Liam, Nigel, and my embarrassed ass of a self.
Well, isn’t this the night of fucking surprises?
“Nigel! Buddy you little…” Liam yells and practically tackles Nigel to the ground.
“What the…” I am mortified, they know each other. Apparently they were old college friends. Liam being the decent man that he his, introduces Nigel and I, for a second time. Nigel looks in disbelief but covers himself.
“Very nice to meet you Brooke.”
“Nice to meet you as well Nigel.”
I excuse myself from the chatter and slam all the champagne insight. Yes, I know, I am in idiot in the rawest form, only to take it the next extreme. A “few” hours and bottles of champagne later I black out. I wake up not knowing where the hell I am. This could possibly be the worst hangover of my life. I soon realize that I am not in my apartment, and that is not Liam next to me. I scurry out of that bed so fast. The hangover is worse than I had thought.
“Nigel?!”
“Oh, good morning Brooke. Don’t be alarmed I can explain everything. First off, we did not do anything last night. I simply brought you home because Liam, well Liam went home with somebody else. You were quite the party animal last night; I couldn’t just leave you there.”
I have no emotion besides the fact that I am still shocked out of my knickers. I cannot possibly absorb all of this information, analyze it, and then take action in this state of post-drunk being. It is hard to even gather up what I should say to him next.
“Thank you Nigel. I must leave.”
I call for a cab, get into my apartment, wash my face, and climb into my own bed. All action must wait until my headache is gone and I can function like a normal human. Just think, this all came to be from sipping on my mocha just a few days before. I roll my eyes and pass out. Only me.
Okay I just need to relax. Breathe in, breath out.
That seems about right. It is not that I feel the world revolves around me, just that we need to be a little more considerate of what the hell is going on. When did we not start saying, “Excuse me, pardon me, oh I am very sorry, thank you…”?
Silly me, hello there, my name is Brooke Anne Gauthier. How do you do? I have decided to start this off, a little different. I am going to let you know more about me, and hopefully we can reach some sort of understanding. This journey is not going to be pretty, or even clear-cut for that matter. So if you could just bear with me, it should be rather amusing.
Where should I begin? Oh, I know, alright. So I was sitting there, sipping some warm mocha, reading the newspaper. All of a sudden, straight out of a GQ magazine sits this gorgeous man by the table directly across from me. I got a little edgy as I switched my right crossed leg with the other. He was directly in tune with his literature so I helped myself to a further glance. How I love a man that can dress himself. His khakis were clean and wrinkle free, his shoes I presumed matched his belt. His hair, I couldn't help but imagine my hands running through. Holy hell! What am I doing? I have a partner….but my thoughts swiftly changed as my eyes peered over to this “mocha man” of my dreams. He has to be gay! That’s it. No man could look so good and dress just as well and not be straight. No matter the case he will be straight in my mind. I should leave, I am getting myself where over my head. As I casually stood up and gathered my belongings I could feel his eyes checking me out. So I walked a little smoother, flipped my hair back, and looked a little busy.
Farther down the block I let out a sigh and wished such a man could be mine. Don’t get me wrong I love the man that I am with, maybe not love, but I care for him much. We have alright conversation, love to cuddle, and talk about the future. Now that I think about it, it seems rather dry, but doable.
My lunch break was almost over and I headed towards the office. Assistant of the Head of the Creative Department, yes that would be me. It is a pretty shitty sort of job but it works and I have to face that it could be worse. Sometimes I think I would be happier walking down the streets of England in a pineapple mascot suit with a sign that read,
“Shoot me and get lunch half off!” Okay, I apologize, that was a bit rude, but the God honest truth. Being the assistant of somebody is like being there personal nanny, ass-
wiper, ass-kisser, and you get the picture. Someday it will all pay off and I can have an assistant. As soon as I enter the office I hear a barking command from Jacob, The Head.
“Brooke! Can you please get Perrti in my office and bring the first drafts of the ads for the Mitchell’s order. Jacob is going to shit a brick if we don’t deliver something better than yesterday’s horseshit!”
Jacob, yeah he is a dandy character. He only has one other boss above him, so he can basically do whatever the hell he wants. Nothing is perfect, but that’s business. Oh and the Mitchell’s dealio, it is a company that is trying to sell a new type of fuel for vehicles and it is up to us to make a design concept that will get every Joe and Flo to buy it. Like I said, I’d rather be in that pineapple suit.
Now let’s fast forward to that evening.
I arrive home, tired as hell and wanting only one thing, sleep. My boyfriend, Liam lives with me. It was a very mutual and thought out process. Of course, my parents do not know, they would be livid. After the noise from my dropped keys in the dish subsided, the apartment was abnormally silent. Perhaps Liam stepped out. A bubble bath enters my mind, as I imagine my body heavenly dipping underneath the bubbles. I push open my bedroom door, and there he is. Something isn’t right. He looks frazzled and flushed.
“What the hell is going on Liam?”
“Um, what do you mean Brooke?” he looks around the room.
“Well, what are you up to, you don’t seem right?”
He walks up to me, sweating like a whore in church.
“Brooke, you’ve been working really hard lately.”
As he says this he brings me in the bathroom.
“Liam, a bubble bath! You read my mind, honestly!”
I turned to look at him, and kiss him to death. Then Mocha Man’s face takes over Liam’s. For an instant I felt an overwhelming guilt. Liam is a great man, sure our relationship seems at a standstill, but, when it’s good, it couldn’t be better. I enter the bath. I am left in complete solitude and told that if I needed anything at all…
This is supposed to be a time of relaxation, but my mind wanders to thoughts of my family; that is a story within itself. Everyone in my family talks about when I will marry. The pressure is on and I am starting to run out of excuses for not attending family functions of which I will be put in the most awkward position while they talk about me like I am not even there. Okay, breathe!
“Brooke is a wonderful catch.”
“I cannot believe she hasn’t found a nice man with a nice job yet.”
“She won’t be young forever; it’s time to start a family.”
That is about the time I zone out and take a few more longs swigs from my wine glass. As if I could drink the comments down. They don’t understand the life of a working woman today. You do not have to time to put on a selection process for the right man.
Most of the women in my family ended up marrying out of school and popping out children to make their lives more interesting.
It’s a Friday night, I realize. I used to go out and give the town hell and now I just look forward to a good night’s rest. That is exactly what I did, peacefully and contently next to Liam.
Weekends are for catching up on the personal tasks I cannot do during the week. I wake up, and mentally put together my list of things to be done. I am in the process of revamping my apartment, so I decide the first place to go is an interior décor store. Upon entering the store, I see this ravishing throw blanket. As I pulled it off the shelf, I turned around in a hasty manner, and bumped into someone. Without looking I said,
“Sorry, excuse me.” And then I looked up. It was him, my mocha man from the café I had seen yesterday. What are the bloody odds of this?
“No worries, my fault. Hey didn’t I see you yesterday afternoon? How could I forget, you were wearing that crème yellow suit, with your hair up,” my mocha man said with the sultriest of smiles.
Somebody pinch me, quick. This cannot be fucking happening. Seize the moment silly woman.
“Oh yes of course, I remember.” I said with a smile back.
“Name’s Nigel,” he says as he lifts my hand to his face to kiss.
“Brooke Ann.”
“What are your plans tonight,” he asks without a single blink or hesitation.
I look away quickly, thinking of Liam.
“It’s okay if you are busy; I have this social event to attend and would love a foxy lady like yourself to accompany me. I mean no harm, just want to give you my number so if you change your mind, give me a jingle.”
I am completely and most utterly in a state of shock and denial. He hands me his number, I smile at him and he is off.
I stand there like a wanker with that throw blanket still in my hand. I look to my left and to my right without turning my head. I let out the biggest sigh when he is out of sight. A taste of mocha is in the back of my throat, that could not have just fucking happened.
I decide to take Nigel up on such an invite. Once I get home, I realize that Liam isn’t home. After dolling myself up, and putting on “The Shoes” I write a quick note to Liam stating, “Girls night out!! Be back late. I cannot thank you enough for the bubble bath.” After gathering some things in my purse, I open the apartment door to leave and Liam just happened to be standing there with his keys in his hand coming into the apartment. I freeze.
“Shit, shit, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck!” runs through my head.
He is oblivious to the fact that I am dressed up from heel to hair.
“Sweetheart,” he says, “let’s go we haven’t been out on the town in a while. I have a party all lined up for us!” In his excited splendor he grabs my hand and we are off.
“Fabulous, I am more ready than ever!” I am such a dirty liar.
We leave. I feel half annoyed and half relieved. Although once we get to the party, all thoughts of Nigel leave my head only to come back a second later. There we all were standing, Liam, Nigel, and my embarrassed ass of a self.
Well, isn’t this the night of fucking surprises?
“Nigel! Buddy you little…” Liam yells and practically tackles Nigel to the ground.
“What the…” I am mortified, they know each other. Apparently they were old college friends. Liam being the decent man that he his, introduces Nigel and I, for a second time. Nigel looks in disbelief but covers himself.
“Very nice to meet you Brooke.”
“Nice to meet you as well Nigel.”
I excuse myself from the chatter and slam all the champagne insight. Yes, I know, I am in idiot in the rawest form, only to take it the next extreme. A “few” hours and bottles of champagne later I black out. I wake up not knowing where the hell I am. This could possibly be the worst hangover of my life. I soon realize that I am not in my apartment, and that is not Liam next to me. I scurry out of that bed so fast. The hangover is worse than I had thought.
“Nigel?!”
“Oh, good morning Brooke. Don’t be alarmed I can explain everything. First off, we did not do anything last night. I simply brought you home because Liam, well Liam went home with somebody else. You were quite the party animal last night; I couldn’t just leave you there.”
I have no emotion besides the fact that I am still shocked out of my knickers. I cannot possibly absorb all of this information, analyze it, and then take action in this state of post-drunk being. It is hard to even gather up what I should say to him next.
“Thank you Nigel. I must leave.”
I call for a cab, get into my apartment, wash my face, and climb into my own bed. All action must wait until my headache is gone and I can function like a normal human. Just think, this all came to be from sipping on my mocha just a few days before. I roll my eyes and pass out. Only me.
Sunday, May 6, 2007
Coincidence.
So, for my English class we had to write a short fictional story. (Yes, Tim the love triangle as made the final draft) It seems as though, parts of this short story which was to be fictional, has become reality personally. I have a little love triangle of my own, a very innocent one though. It includes me, my friend Mackenzie, and a guy friend named Jesse. I met Jesse last fall through some friends, and we became immediate and genuine of friends. I have know Mackenzie for about the same period of time, however we hadn't actually started going out together on the weekends until late January. Her and I had formed a great friendship as well. We have similar interests and love to dance, that equals pure heaven! Such a fun girl!
Jesse is almost the full package of a man. Smart, funny, outgoing, sweet, considerate, and will most definitely will become a millionaire someday. Oh, and he's single, so is Mackenzie. I being the matchmaker friend tried to get them together. She was VERY almost insanely obsessed with him. At first it was cute and quite humorous. Then, it become overly annoying and childish. He expressed no interest in her as more than a friend. He said that he thought she was a great girl but not what he is looking for. Understandable.
Mackenzie took it upon herself to spew out her undying love to Jesse, in the most unsober and sloppy of states. Turn off. They potential for them to be a "couple" spirals and crashes to ground.
I have an epiphany not so long ago. After describing who Jesse is to people, I find myself growing more and more fond of him. I can't help but be completely happy when he is close to me. He is the kind of man I could see myself settling down with......
Oh, back to the story.
Last night, we (Jesse, Mackenzie, myself, and many other people) go out for a Saturday evening on the town, which of course centers around dancing it away. That particular evening it included Jesse and I somehow chatting about our feelings for each other. The ones he has had for me the entire time he has known me and mine feelings that have formed along the way. I guess when this was happening, Jesse was touching my arm and holding my hand. But honestly I do not remember that part happening, I was so focused on what he was saying that anything else didn't even matter. It should have though, Mackenzie was watching the whole time. Of course she is pissed. She has every right. I am in the wrong.
Girl Friend V. Guy Friend-Round 1 *ding ding*
I know and understand that nothing can or should form from Jesse and I in the near future, but I can't help but wonder what come after that; after Mackenzie is done being pissed at me and the summer is over.
Jesse is almost the full package of a man. Smart, funny, outgoing, sweet, considerate, and will most definitely will become a millionaire someday. Oh, and he's single, so is Mackenzie. I being the matchmaker friend tried to get them together. She was VERY almost insanely obsessed with him. At first it was cute and quite humorous. Then, it become overly annoying and childish. He expressed no interest in her as more than a friend. He said that he thought she was a great girl but not what he is looking for. Understandable.
Mackenzie took it upon herself to spew out her undying love to Jesse, in the most unsober and sloppy of states. Turn off. They potential for them to be a "couple" spirals and crashes to ground.
I have an epiphany not so long ago. After describing who Jesse is to people, I find myself growing more and more fond of him. I can't help but be completely happy when he is close to me. He is the kind of man I could see myself settling down with......
Oh, back to the story.
Last night, we (Jesse, Mackenzie, myself, and many other people) go out for a Saturday evening on the town, which of course centers around dancing it away. That particular evening it included Jesse and I somehow chatting about our feelings for each other. The ones he has had for me the entire time he has known me and mine feelings that have formed along the way. I guess when this was happening, Jesse was touching my arm and holding my hand. But honestly I do not remember that part happening, I was so focused on what he was saying that anything else didn't even matter. It should have though, Mackenzie was watching the whole time. Of course she is pissed. She has every right. I am in the wrong.
Girl Friend V. Guy Friend-Round 1 *ding ding*
I know and understand that nothing can or should form from Jesse and I in the near future, but I can't help but wonder what come after that; after Mackenzie is done being pissed at me and the summer is over.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
Don't abuse my patience and understanding.
What a beautiful day God has given us. It is absolutely perfect, heavenly, utopias! I only have two more weeks as a freshman at UW-Madison. I really cannot understand how fast it has gone! College is such a marvelous experience. I want my future children to not have to miss out. You really find out who you are on the inside. I have realized how much high school suppresses that process because everyone is always telling you how to act and how to be. In college that all comes from within. It's quite the process...
Right now in my life I really want to settle down, perhaps find a guy I can call a boyfriend and grow to love inside and out. I do have a boyfriend, his name is Sam. I adored him in high school. Now we are finally together and it is not how I imagined or dreamed it to be. I am still trying to figure out what to do. I think he could still be hung up on his ex-girlfriend; his first love. However, I am still hung up on Jordan. I told him how much I want him back in my life despite the effects it could cause with his current girlfriend. I got to a point where I didn't feel it would matter, nothing matters besides us and how we feel about each other. (After I told him my feelings for our relationship, he said that he needed time (which I understand) and that he didn't want to be an ass to his present girlfriend because of the things they have going on in the immediate future. I responded by saying calmly, "I don't understand how you can hurt the one you love but not the one you really don't love. ) Now it is his turn to reciprocate physically. After all this time I find myself at the end, beginning, and duration of the day seeing no one else in my life but him. I always think of ways to get him back...the mature way. He is dating a girl who's name is ironically Sam. I know she doesn't love him like I do. She is smothering him,he feels stuck, unhappy. I know that if him and I were together again, it would be unstoppable, magical, perfect, real, pure, strong. I guess I am at a standstill in the "relationship department". I am really waiting for him. I hope for not much longer. There are a lot of hugs, kisses, and deep sleeps we need to catch up on.
I really miss my little brother Levi. He needs help; a way from my biological mother. If I could I would adopt him as my own and help him grow in a healthy, happy, and safe life. I would love him the way a child should be loved; unconditionally, eternally. there is an infinite amount of possibilities for a little guy like him. By him being with my biological mother, he is falling farther and farther from sanity and reality. I hope he had the same notion I had at his age; this is not how life should be. He is meant for something so much better. He has so much potential; he's smart, tough but kind, and considerate of others. The sweetest little boy you'd ever meet, but exponentially getting into habits that will turn him sour.
If I had him by me now, I would tell him I loved him, always had, always will. I would give him the biggest, most heartfelt hug. I would tell him that as long as he's with me nothing bad will happen to him, his safety and happiness would be my first and ultimate priority.
Love ya little guy!
Always,
"Heffer"
Right now in my life I really want to settle down, perhaps find a guy I can call a boyfriend and grow to love inside and out. I do have a boyfriend, his name is Sam. I adored him in high school. Now we are finally together and it is not how I imagined or dreamed it to be. I am still trying to figure out what to do. I think he could still be hung up on his ex-girlfriend; his first love. However, I am still hung up on Jordan. I told him how much I want him back in my life despite the effects it could cause with his current girlfriend. I got to a point where I didn't feel it would matter, nothing matters besides us and how we feel about each other. (After I told him my feelings for our relationship, he said that he needed time (which I understand) and that he didn't want to be an ass to his present girlfriend because of the things they have going on in the immediate future. I responded by saying calmly, "I don't understand how you can hurt the one you love but not the one you really don't love. ) Now it is his turn to reciprocate physically. After all this time I find myself at the end, beginning, and duration of the day seeing no one else in my life but him. I always think of ways to get him back...the mature way. He is dating a girl who's name is ironically Sam. I know she doesn't love him like I do. She is smothering him,he feels stuck, unhappy. I know that if him and I were together again, it would be unstoppable, magical, perfect, real, pure, strong. I guess I am at a standstill in the "relationship department". I am really waiting for him. I hope for not much longer. There are a lot of hugs, kisses, and deep sleeps we need to catch up on.
I really miss my little brother Levi. He needs help; a way from my biological mother. If I could I would adopt him as my own and help him grow in a healthy, happy, and safe life. I would love him the way a child should be loved; unconditionally, eternally. there is an infinite amount of possibilities for a little guy like him. By him being with my biological mother, he is falling farther and farther from sanity and reality. I hope he had the same notion I had at his age; this is not how life should be. He is meant for something so much better. He has so much potential; he's smart, tough but kind, and considerate of others. The sweetest little boy you'd ever meet, but exponentially getting into habits that will turn him sour.
If I had him by me now, I would tell him I loved him, always had, always will. I would give him the biggest, most heartfelt hug. I would tell him that as long as he's with me nothing bad will happen to him, his safety and happiness would be my first and ultimate priority.
Love ya little guy!
Always,
"Heffer"
Monday, April 23, 2007
Short Story
My hopes for my paper is to capture the accounts of a young british woman in a busy city of England. I want to reveal her work, family, friends, and relationships at a particular moment in her life. I was going to throw in a love triangle, but that seems a little much. I will still try to put it in the story. I plan on using subtle or sarcastic humor and brash language. PG-17?
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Could be PMS?
Take my hand,
because I know you understand.
Without a word,
you make me feel good.
I feel stuck,
wishing you could tuck,
my body beneath the sheets.
Like stars under the night sky,
you and I lie.
The only thing that matters
is our silent chatter.
In your arms wrapped like a tortilla.
so nice to feel your heartbeat.
Too bad it's just a dream.
because I know you understand.
Without a word,
you make me feel good.
I feel stuck,
wishing you could tuck,
my body beneath the sheets.
Like stars under the night sky,
you and I lie.
The only thing that matters
is our silent chatter.
In your arms wrapped like a tortilla.
so nice to feel your heartbeat.
Too bad it's just a dream.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Unexpected
Yesterday seemed like just another day. For us here in Wisconsin it was a fabulous day with great warm and sunny weather. But a dark cloud was cast over Virginia. Lives were ruined and lost forever. The only thing we can do, is send out our positive energies. "Think and sing the world into existance." The only thing that truely connects us around the world is Air. That is why praying is essential in creating positive energies all around us.
Today as I get ready to go to my classes. I felt grateful. It's a great day. I get to breathe, and live. So many things I take for granted. That's why I have been thinking a lot about the line from a Tim McGraw song, "Live like you were dieing."
<3>
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
On Defining
Part of my research paper is dealing on how religious issues effect gay male relationships, specifically in domestic violence. I was introduced to the term "social fusion". Social fusion is the ability to balance the need for independence and autonomy for attachment or intimacy in relationships.
-Off balance relationships are those that are in disapproval, like gay male relationships. I say this is true because these kind of relationships are not accepted as a whole yet. Gay males still experience a lot of oppression and discrimination.
-Also, it has been reported that couples who experience autonomy and independence are less likely to report or experience verbal or physical violence.
--This leads me to believe that a change in how society views the "ideal" heterosexual couple. In order to create a less hostile environment for gay male couples. (As well as lesbian couples) This less hostile environment would actively welcome same-gender relationships and allow them to feel and act like a "normal" family.
*Reference: A Professional Guide to Understanding Gay and lesbian Domestic Violence
-Off balance relationships are those that are in disapproval, like gay male relationships. I say this is true because these kind of relationships are not accepted as a whole yet. Gay males still experience a lot of oppression and discrimination.
-Also, it has been reported that couples who experience autonomy and independence are less likely to report or experience verbal or physical violence.
--This leads me to believe that a change in how society views the "ideal" heterosexual couple. In order to create a less hostile environment for gay male couples. (As well as lesbian couples) This less hostile environment would actively welcome same-gender relationships and allow them to feel and act like a "normal" family.
*Reference: A Professional Guide to Understanding Gay and lesbian Domestic Violence
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Kinda like a punch in the gut...
....when someone accuses you of something you never did, or never even thought about...all you did was care, gave everything while they gave none..
"don't make someone a priority if they only make you an option."
I think that pretty much sums it up.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
No More
No more time for you,
we're through.
I can't keep waiting
while you're debating
on the next thing to do.
I have sat patiently
but no more.
My soul and heart is beyond sore
from the run around and games,
while you're abusing and using, it's a shame.
No more tears for you.
I've cried an ocean to drown your voice
in the back of mind.
Every time it's just a rewind,
you're in a standstill.
No more. I have to move on.
Be the bigger person,
and try it.
we're through.
I can't keep waiting
while you're debating
on the next thing to do.
I have sat patiently
but no more.
My soul and heart is beyond sore
from the run around and games,
while you're abusing and using, it's a shame.
No more tears for you.
I've cried an ocean to drown your voice
in the back of mind.
Every time it's just a rewind,
you're in a standstill.
No more. I have to move on.
Be the bigger person,
and try it.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Things happen for a reason...
I have always believed in that saying.
What happens happens, but do you ever wondering how or why? Does it even matter? Perhaps it doesn't. The thing that does matter is how you look at what has happend in the most positive light and how it can better your future.
I've learned that by the time you are born much of your life is predestined, all layed out, good and bad. It makes sense once you think about it. However many will turn the other way without ever considering because we all want to believe that we are in charge of our destiny, the driver seat if you will. If that were the case then life would be pretty swell, you'd have no worries because don't worry I can fix it. NOT so much. In any matter it is how you take the events of your life and assimilate. Make it work with your lifestyle at hand....be the rolling stone, pass on the moss!
What happens happens, but do you ever wondering how or why? Does it even matter? Perhaps it doesn't. The thing that does matter is how you look at what has happend in the most positive light and how it can better your future.
I've learned that by the time you are born much of your life is predestined, all layed out, good and bad. It makes sense once you think about it. However many will turn the other way without ever considering because we all want to believe that we are in charge of our destiny, the driver seat if you will. If that were the case then life would be pretty swell, you'd have no worries because don't worry I can fix it. NOT so much. In any matter it is how you take the events of your life and assimilate. Make it work with your lifestyle at hand....be the rolling stone, pass on the moss!
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Does it ever work?
Well it was nice while it lasted.
I thought it could have worked out....
but do long distance relationships ever truley work out.
When both partners are completely happy?
I highly doubt it. But if so. I want to hear their stories.
I told him I was here for him, but that wasn't good enough.
Besides every day that went by without seeing his face or hearing his voice wore another layer away.
I couldn't stand it.
He's not a bad guy...he's a sweet guy with some addictions...but doesn't everyone have an addiction, right? We all do, whether it be going to check your myspace, waiting every week for the new show to come one from your favorite series, coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, chocolate.....can someone be addicted to love..that feeling of bliss that overcomes your entire body and at that moment nothing else matters, because you just got your fix. Then you move on, until you get that itch again, jones for another dose of that sweet confection of devotion. Not realizing who you are hurting on the way because it doesn't matter just so long your addiction is satisfied. Until one day, there will be no one left there to give you their love, not even for a second. The eternal loneliness eats at you, withdrawls now set in, and your body aches. It just wants to love. You shouldn't have used love, you should just let it come to you....
"Love: The irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
I thought it could have worked out....
but do long distance relationships ever truley work out.
When both partners are completely happy?
I highly doubt it. But if so. I want to hear their stories.
I told him I was here for him, but that wasn't good enough.
Besides every day that went by without seeing his face or hearing his voice wore another layer away.
I couldn't stand it.
He's not a bad guy...he's a sweet guy with some addictions...but doesn't everyone have an addiction, right? We all do, whether it be going to check your myspace, waiting every week for the new show to come one from your favorite series, coffee, cigarettes, alcohol, chocolate.....can someone be addicted to love..that feeling of bliss that overcomes your entire body and at that moment nothing else matters, because you just got your fix. Then you move on, until you get that itch again, jones for another dose of that sweet confection of devotion. Not realizing who you are hurting on the way because it doesn't matter just so long your addiction is satisfied. Until one day, there will be no one left there to give you their love, not even for a second. The eternal loneliness eats at you, withdrawls now set in, and your body aches. It just wants to love. You shouldn't have used love, you should just let it come to you....
"Love: The irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired."
Friday, February 23, 2007
The big 2-0!! and other happenings in my life.
That's right. I am officially 2o, good bye teenage years. It's a strange sort of feeling, really can't describe it. One part of me is ecstatic because that means a time to celebrate my day o' birth with my friends. The other part is hesitant. If all goes well this means I am a quarter done with my life. The past 20 years have gone by so quickly that it scares me only another 20 fast years I'll be 40. Holy shit. I can't sleep. I keep thinking about my birthday party tomorrow and all the great friends I will see. Some of them I haven't seen in years. So partying tomorrow night err..tonight, shall be an interesting and memorable one at that. Complete and utter mayhem.
I took it easy the night before my party so that I have enough energy to keep up with the outrageous activities that will occur.
**Warning: Sappy, Lovey dovey material ahead, guys may want to his the back button now**
Then there is this extra part of me. It has to do with a boyfriend that I recently starting being 'official' with. His name is Michael. I've known him for years, but up until fall of last semester did things start to take a more serious turn. Before Michael I was dating a guy named Jordan for three years. I wanted to do the whole independent situation since I was going to be a big college student. What an idiot I was last summer, just one of those weird transitional stages of my life where I thought I knew what I was doing but in actuality I was an out of control mess, to say the least. College straightened me out, back to reality, and so long summer chaos. Seeing Michael after this was refreshing. He has friends that go to UW-Madison, and he is in the Marine Corps. stationed in Washington D.C. So when he can he comes and visits. Michael gave me a jingle and I headed on over to party with them all. Sparks flew. The next thing I know, I am missing him wondering how he is doing, and when the next time he would be coming back. This was quite the different feelings I had with other guys in between the Jordan and Michael relationships. Anyway, I got to see him about once a month for a weekend. He invited me to go with him and like 5 of his other guys friends to a skiing trip over winter break. I of course went. Me being the only girl, I quickly brought back the tomboy attitudes I once had a while back and fit right in. This was one of Michael's "tests". (He had been cheated on in the past, so he has some trust issues.) I passed with flying colors and was even dubbed a "brah". He and I talked about being more serious. We both knew it wasn't going to be easy but was something we felt worthwhile to commit to. A month or so later and he is gone overseas. He can't say where he is and how long he'll be gone, just hints. All I do know is that he's 17 hours across the Atlantic Ocean by plane...wherever that is. The truth is that this is the ultimate "test". I have to stay strong for him and open his heart to me. I won't break it, that was a promise. We are at such a fragile state in the relationship. It's very young at this point. He wasn't able to spend Valentine's Day with me and now my birthday he has to miss. I just keep telling myself it will all be worth in the end when he comes home safely. That's the thing though, I worry way too much. Our people are at such turmoil with one another, that killing is the result. I couldn't handle Michael's loss. All I can do is pray and take this day by day. Keeping myself occupied at all times. At night is the worse when I am not busy and realize I am here alone while he and other soldiers are fighting for us to be able to rest our heads in comfort. This only leads me to feel so proud and honored to be his significant other. I can only repay him with my arms for him to return to and my heart. I know I can do this. One and half more years and he's done. Finally then can Michael start his "normal" civilian life with me.
"Semper Fidelis"-Always Faithful
~Marine Corps. Motto~
I took it easy the night before my party so that I have enough energy to keep up with the outrageous activities that will occur.
**Warning: Sappy, Lovey dovey material ahead, guys may want to his the back button now**
Then there is this extra part of me. It has to do with a boyfriend that I recently starting being 'official' with. His name is Michael. I've known him for years, but up until fall of last semester did things start to take a more serious turn. Before Michael I was dating a guy named Jordan for three years. I wanted to do the whole independent situation since I was going to be a big college student. What an idiot I was last summer, just one of those weird transitional stages of my life where I thought I knew what I was doing but in actuality I was an out of control mess, to say the least. College straightened me out, back to reality, and so long summer chaos. Seeing Michael after this was refreshing. He has friends that go to UW-Madison, and he is in the Marine Corps. stationed in Washington D.C. So when he can he comes and visits. Michael gave me a jingle and I headed on over to party with them all. Sparks flew. The next thing I know, I am missing him wondering how he is doing, and when the next time he would be coming back. This was quite the different feelings I had with other guys in between the Jordan and Michael relationships. Anyway, I got to see him about once a month for a weekend. He invited me to go with him and like 5 of his other guys friends to a skiing trip over winter break. I of course went. Me being the only girl, I quickly brought back the tomboy attitudes I once had a while back and fit right in. This was one of Michael's "tests". (He had been cheated on in the past, so he has some trust issues.) I passed with flying colors and was even dubbed a "brah". He and I talked about being more serious. We both knew it wasn't going to be easy but was something we felt worthwhile to commit to. A month or so later and he is gone overseas. He can't say where he is and how long he'll be gone, just hints. All I do know is that he's 17 hours across the Atlantic Ocean by plane...wherever that is. The truth is that this is the ultimate "test". I have to stay strong for him and open his heart to me. I won't break it, that was a promise. We are at such a fragile state in the relationship. It's very young at this point. He wasn't able to spend Valentine's Day with me and now my birthday he has to miss. I just keep telling myself it will all be worth in the end when he comes home safely. That's the thing though, I worry way too much. Our people are at such turmoil with one another, that killing is the result. I couldn't handle Michael's loss. All I can do is pray and take this day by day. Keeping myself occupied at all times. At night is the worse when I am not busy and realize I am here alone while he and other soldiers are fighting for us to be able to rest our heads in comfort. This only leads me to feel so proud and honored to be his significant other. I can only repay him with my arms for him to return to and my heart. I know I can do this. One and half more years and he's done. Finally then can Michael start his "normal" civilian life with me.
"Semper Fidelis"-Always Faithful
~Marine Corps. Motto~
Monday, February 19, 2007
The Next Big Step is Most Troublesome
I have been in the process of trying to find a house for sophomore year. We had six people all together, but one of which has backed out leaving five. Fabulous. So we all have been looking for a house, with more than one bathroom that is within a reasonable price range. This process is much more harder than just simply listing what you desire. Perhaps you could compare it to finding your soul mate. You could go on about what you are looking for and go through dozens of people that meet those qualities, but end up having some sort of quirks or mishaps in appearance if you are to be so shallow. I don't call it shallowness but perceptively selective. I mean you are going to have to like something you have to look at everyday be it your significant other or your house.
However, even though the house we fell in love with as a whole is more of a dump, we see potential. The diamond in the ruff, so to speak, with endless possibilities. Now one by one my roommates are getting scared off from the mere fact of signing a lease. I understand their caution, but could we just get this flippin' thing over with?! Now...perhaps? There's not much to it, just make sure you have the money every month and you're set. Maybe they see something else that I don't, that gives them great fear. I like change, change is necessary, for if there would be no change, there would be no success. I am just in the mindset of really liking a place to stay next year...how about that? Anywho, I just wish it was easier, but who said anything in life was to be easy. It's just simply not, that is why you have keep an optimistic attitude and keeping doing what you have to do.
Now it is time to find a new place...have to start all over again. We have a house to look at tomorrow around 6 in the evening. Lizard girl picked this one out, so I am a little worried. By the label Lizard girl I mean that she has a few lizards, a lot of snakes, and some geckos....yay, she seems nice though...?
If anyone has some tips on the whole housing situation...ANYTHING, your input would be much appreciated.
"Breast is best."-on feeding your infants
However, even though the house we fell in love with as a whole is more of a dump, we see potential. The diamond in the ruff, so to speak, with endless possibilities. Now one by one my roommates are getting scared off from the mere fact of signing a lease. I understand their caution, but could we just get this flippin' thing over with?! Now...perhaps? There's not much to it, just make sure you have the money every month and you're set. Maybe they see something else that I don't, that gives them great fear. I like change, change is necessary, for if there would be no change, there would be no success. I am just in the mindset of really liking a place to stay next year...how about that? Anywho, I just wish it was easier, but who said anything in life was to be easy. It's just simply not, that is why you have keep an optimistic attitude and keeping doing what you have to do.
Now it is time to find a new place...have to start all over again. We have a house to look at tomorrow around 6 in the evening. Lizard girl picked this one out, so I am a little worried. By the label Lizard girl I mean that she has a few lizards, a lot of snakes, and some geckos....yay, she seems nice though...?
If anyone has some tips on the whole housing situation...ANYTHING, your input would be much appreciated.
"Breast is best."-on feeding your infants
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
All too true...
While reading the essay from Thomas Zengotita, "The Numbing of the American Mind," I could only agree with him. Yes, Americans have become numb to all the sensory perceptions that make us humans. With each passing day we are turning into robot like forms put on the conveyor belt of life. We can still make our own choices but how much of those actually come from the depths of your individuality? From what Zengotita explains, not a whole lot. The sad part is that it is inevitable. We are doomed to this way of life. There seems to be no going back. Once you are desensitized, have seen all there is to be seen, the worse of the worse; it's hard to imagine things ever going back. How much worse can it get? I fear that some day, soon, possibly we could live in uproar and total anarchy, that cannot be contained. We will all be swallowed up in our own mess of destruction.
Wow, pretty gloomy thought. I can only hope that it never gets that bad. It makes it hard for me to ever want to have children someday, which would be far from now, and try to raise them right in a world like this. I am pretty optimistic, you know, the glass is always half full. I think that if we all put in a little effort, stop thinking about ourselves, and star caring about what this world could come to; our extinction. They say that every great civilization there ever was, would one day collapse, leaving only traces of artifacts to piece together it's clues to how it was. Could it happen to us? Possibly, probably. If we all want to survive this thing called life, we must come together, we are humans, we don't have to be robots who are controlled and mechanicalized.
It could be a great existence. Each of us have such a short time here, we need to make it count. We need to leave our foundation of accomplishments for the next generations to come.
"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace."- Buddha
Wow, pretty gloomy thought. I can only hope that it never gets that bad. It makes it hard for me to ever want to have children someday, which would be far from now, and try to raise them right in a world like this. I am pretty optimistic, you know, the glass is always half full. I think that if we all put in a little effort, stop thinking about ourselves, and star caring about what this world could come to; our extinction. They say that every great civilization there ever was, would one day collapse, leaving only traces of artifacts to piece together it's clues to how it was. Could it happen to us? Possibly, probably. If we all want to survive this thing called life, we must come together, we are humans, we don't have to be robots who are controlled and mechanicalized.
It could be a great existence. Each of us have such a short time here, we need to make it count. We need to leave our foundation of accomplishments for the next generations to come.
"Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace."- Buddha
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Top of the mornin' to ya...
I knew that getting up early was imperative to completing this blog. Otherwise, I would have once again, sluffed off, or forget about it. Here I am sitting in my dorm, thinking that it's only the second day of the second semester. Many more semesters to go! I remember loving to go to school so much that I wanted to live there!? Well, that was in first grade, but there was always that natural affection for knowledge. I need to find a way to get that back! I have the least amount of motivation at this point to get through school. There is so much more that I want to do and accomplish. I never was like this in high school. It was only a year ago and I was buzzing around high school like a busy bee. I was doing things for everyone else and finding other ways to keep myself busy. Everyone knew that if they needed something to come to me. Of course I was pleased to do it, this was the outward expression. On the inside I cringed and carried on.
Last semester I was lost. There were so many things that I could do, I just didn't feel like doing it. I did what was required and survived. That's not the Heather that everyone else knows back home. They expect, perhaps demand, so much more out of me. It was exhausting, but a way of life. I guess I started to take more 'me' time in college. The 'id' impulse was kicking in at full speed. That started to get me in trouble!
I am not a person of regrets. So that type of lifestyle had to go. I don't know what clicked, maybe it was the sense of a new start because of the new semester. Maybe, the motivation came from the month of break where I did almost absolutely nada. I believe that most of it came from me. Everyday I am growing and still maturing. I use to hate being the mature one of my friends. It always put me at some sort of distance from them. I knew that we had unconditional love, but I was the one to provide the sort of mothering they all secretly needed. Anyway, through creating myself from experiences, I have started to realize more of purpose in life. I know the way to get there, I just need to stay on the path, and go for it! I guess I gave myself a little slap in the face with the reality stick. "Here I go again on my own!!" that song just seem to pop in my head after writing this...Haha!!
Well I am off. First blog out of the way, not too horribly painful. I have many more things on my agenda for the day. As always, keep yourself in mind, but do mind others for we inhabit this tiny thing called Earth...together!
Last semester I was lost. There were so many things that I could do, I just didn't feel like doing it. I did what was required and survived. That's not the Heather that everyone else knows back home. They expect, perhaps demand, so much more out of me. It was exhausting, but a way of life. I guess I started to take more 'me' time in college. The 'id' impulse was kicking in at full speed. That started to get me in trouble!
I am not a person of regrets. So that type of lifestyle had to go. I don't know what clicked, maybe it was the sense of a new start because of the new semester. Maybe, the motivation came from the month of break where I did almost absolutely nada. I believe that most of it came from me. Everyday I am growing and still maturing. I use to hate being the mature one of my friends. It always put me at some sort of distance from them. I knew that we had unconditional love, but I was the one to provide the sort of mothering they all secretly needed. Anyway, through creating myself from experiences, I have started to realize more of purpose in life. I know the way to get there, I just need to stay on the path, and go for it! I guess I gave myself a little slap in the face with the reality stick. "Here I go again on my own!!" that song just seem to pop in my head after writing this...Haha!!
Well I am off. First blog out of the way, not too horribly painful. I have many more things on my agenda for the day. As always, keep yourself in mind, but do mind others for we inhabit this tiny thing called Earth...together!
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